Me before RTT ~ Amanda’s Story

So in the last 18 months, I’d say I’ve been through somewhat of a ‘re-birth’.

Not in a religious sense and it’s certainly not a word that I use lightly. But I think it really captures how I feel about the experience I’ve been through.

You see what you see on the outside of a person, is often not what lies beneath the exterior they show to others.

For as long as I can remember, whilst I have mostly appeared to be confident on the outside, on the inside I’ve experienced strong feelings of:

Self Doubt

Self Loathing

Fear based procrastination

People pleasing behaviour

Overthinking and over-analysing

Never feeling I was doing enough

Never feeling I was good enough

And it didn’t seem to matter what other people said about me, or how other people celebrated me, I couldn’t shift that feeling inside of me.

I studied and practiced all of the tools.

  • Exercise
  • Meditation
  • Mindfulness
  • Journaling
  • Mantras and affirmations

But it didn’t seem to matter how many times I wrote it down, or said it out aloud

“I am enough”

That feeling of not being ‘enough’ persisted like an unwanted house guest that never leaves, no matter how much you try to push them out.

When things were going ‘well’ in my life, then I felt like I was doing ‘well’

When things weren’t going ‘well’ in my life, I made it mean something about me.

I made it mean that there was something wrong with me.

I was failing in some way.

I wasn’t good enough.

I needed to do more.

I had to strive even harder.

I had to excel at everything.

And you can imagine how exhausting that is?

And you may not have to imagine, because maybe this story sounds a lot like you?

It’s been pretty dark place inside my mind at times and not a place I have wanted to share with too many people, until now I guess.

I’ve had times in my life when I have crept deep into that dark cavern you don’t want to explore, but somehow find yourself there.

Notably after I received my Year 12 Exam Results and also when I was fighting my way out of an eating disorder that began when I was 16-17, but seeded many years before that, as I now understand it.

I’ve spent more times in my life than I wish to recall feeling anxious, consumed by inner turmoil, torment and punishing thoughts, and experiencing low mood to mild depression, whilst still functioning to a high level.

I guess I’ve lived with High Functioning Anxiety for most of my life to varying degrees.

Self-diagnosed, because nobody really detected it.

It’s almost funny to think I was a High Achiever with High Functioning Anxiety!

And you might know the ‘type’, and maybe even you are ‘the type’.

She’s the one who looks like she has it all together on the outside, but she’s crumbling on the inside.

Maybe you envy her and wonder how the hell she does it all?

But in my experience, it was like being inside of a tumble dryer that wouldn’t switch off!

  • High Achiever
  • Perfectionist
  • Straight-A Student
  • Straight-A Dance Student
  • Well liked at school
  • Teachers Pet
  • Had to excel at whatever I tried
  • People Pleaser
  • Over-thinker
  • Being constantly on-the-go and busy
  • Unable to stop and relax, not even when I appeared to be relaxing
  • Ruminating thought loops to the point of making myself sick
  • Worrying to the point of migraine headache and / or vomiting
  • Physical and mental burn-out
  • Borderline nervous break-down

As I read through this list it feels very confronting and extremely sad to think I wasted so many years, so many moments and so much energy being this way.

Why on earth would I do that to myself?

Over and over and over again.

The tumble dryer that wouldn’t switch off.

That’s a good analogy I’d say.

And why did I have such great advice for others and I couldn’t apply this to myself?

I couldn’t admit this to anyone because that meant I was failing in some way and it was just proof yet again that I wasn’t good enough.

What was wrong with me?

Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all bad.

In fact there have been so many highlights! And that’s part of the problem you see.

There are so many highlights I list and so many things to celebrate.

But for some agonizing reason they never seemed to be ENOUGH.

I couldn’t celebrate myself for what I had accomplished

I couldn’t recognise myself for what I had achieved

All that played in my head was ‘Yeah that was good, but you could have done better in these areas. So next time you need to….’

At age 33 when I became a Mum, I hoped it would resolve these feelings inside of me as I turned my attention to my precious babies.

But becoming a Mother seemed to create yet another opportunity in my life for me to strive to impossibly high expectations and then punish myself for not reaching the unreachable standard I set for myself.

I cried so many tears and it stole so many precious moments and mostly, it stole my joy and sucked it out of the moments that should have been so joyful.

I knew there was something was at the root of all of it, but what?

I just knew if you scratched below the surface, you would hit on something very raw and it would all come pouring out.

When my youngest son was at kindy, I decided to re-invent myself again and take on a new career path.

This time I followed my joy a little bit more and became a Zumba Instructor, then qualified to be a Personal Trainer.

As I began my own business in 2013, I thought this would be my moment in my life when I would recognise my potential and FINALLY feel proud of myself.

Notice I said recognise my potential.

Because I was already achieving incredible things and expanding in to my full potential, but I just couldn’t it.

I studied my PT quals while my youngest son was in 3 year old kindy and my eldest in prep.

When I became qualified in 2013, I went straight into running my own business, figuring it was the only way to really be able to set my own hours around my young family with my husband working long hours.

Nothing like a double baptism of fire!

I combined teaching Zumba Fitness and outdoor Group Fitness, whilst wearing all of the hats required in running my business, and also taking care of the lion’s share of parenting and running the household.

Once I got a handle on all of this, I added mobile PT to the mix and I was now serving clients 6 days a week, including 2 evenings, all as a solo operator.

After a few years, I added Kids Dance Fitness at a local primary school for 3 terms, which meant after school classes with my 2 boys in tow with me.

I ran quarterly 90 Minute Challenge Bootcamps for women.

I created and launched a Fitness Expo with local small biz sponsors, Welcome Bags, stall-holders and Guest Workshop Presenters.

After 5 years running the business on my own, I took on my first Assistant Trainer, mentored her through Cert III Fitness, then employed her as my 2IC.

At the end of 2019 I took on a second Assistant Trainer as I scaled back my involvement in group fitness and reclaimed evenings and Saturdays for my family.

In 2020, I pivoted the business to Virtual Training when Covid19 locked us down. Within 24hrs we had figured out the tech and were teaching classes to our members via Zoom.

In 2021 withdrew from group training so I could build a more substantial 1:1 PT offering from our new digs in Eatons Hill, which grew quickly to 5 days a week.

I look back over the last 8 years of my business and am very proud of what I created and achieved over that time and all of the people I have helped, maybe even you?

But at the time, there was always a reason why it didn’t quite ‘hit the mark’, that I could ‘do more next time’, or ‘strive harder’ and I had to do better next time, next month, next year.

The bar continued to be raised higher without ever acknowledging or celebrating what I had just achieved.

And why did I measure myself so much on ‘achievement’ anyway? I mean there are so many other measures of a successful life aren’t there?

It frustrated me to no end and it most certainly was the thief of what should have been true pride and joy.

WTF was going on?

It would take a near mental breakdown in September of 2019 for me to reach my turning point.

And I soon found that solution, or that solution found me.

I had been listening to a podcast by this incredible woman called Gemma Benad, who later became my business coach.

It was Gemma who gave me my first introduction to RTT healing and it was the monumental shift I was seeking and didn’t know how to find.

Gemma’s podcast was for women in business who wanted to manifest greatness into their life and create a life of abundance in all forms.

And when you understand that we manifest what we create in our own minds and if you discover that you don’t believe you’re good enough to receive all of that goodness, then it won’t matter how many times you ‘try to manifest it’ if your core belief is you ‘don’t deserve it’, then that train is never coming into station.

And so it was time for me to do the work.

The real work.

The painful work.

The peeling back the layers so much that every part of you weeps.

I went into group coaching and then into much deeper 1:1 coaching with Gemma over the course of 6 months.

I uncovered what was at the root cause of who I had been and how I had operated up until that point.

And at the root of it all, I felt like I wasn’t ‘good enough’.

Now I’m not going to go in to all of the ins and outs of my therapy, and nor do I need anyone to placate me with comments of ‘but why would you ever think that’.

I’ve already been down the road so many times and it never helped.

Because remember, if you don’t believe it at your core, it doesn’t matter how many times someone says it, you will always find evidence to support your core belief.

And I did over and over and over again.

But the good thing is now, I have reconciled those limiting beliefs that were holding me back from true happiness and a joyful life and now I am able to function inwardly as the person I always showed myself to be outwardly.

Do you see the distinction?

I coached with Gemma for 6 months and received 3-4 RTT sessions in that time working on my self love-ability, self trust and feelings of being ‘enough’.

This is what saved me I would say, and even better, it has now lead me into my next Chapter and indeed what I was being called to do.

In December 2020 I signed up to study Rapid Transformational Therapy and began a 10 month journey of learning, practicing, peeling away layers, growing and coming out the other end feeling like I’ve been ‘reborn’, shiny and new.

And now, I’m ready to help others with this incredible therapy, whilst being able to draw from my own experience and lessons.

Now that I know this is where I am and this is what I’m here to do next, all of the pains from the past were just part of what I needed to go through to be able to take this next step.

How can I heal others if I’m not healed myself.

How can I offer this therapy to others, if I haven’t truly experienced it myself.

And of course, I’ve always been someone to try and test things before I would ever be able to recommend it to anyone else.

If I don’t believe in something, I can’t in good conscious ever recommend it for anyone else and this is part of my core values.

I’m a good person who wants to help others experience the feeling of freedom that I now feel.

Clearing out these limiting beliefs has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life!

I feel lighter.

I feel stronger.

I am far more resilient.

I am way less triggered.

I am way more joyous.

I have stronger boundaries

I can speak up for myself

I am assertive, yet I am kind

I know who I am

I celebrate me and all that I accomplish

I don’t measure myself the way I used to

I know that I’m good enough already, exactly as I am.

And my future looks so bright.

If you want to know more about my RTT experience, or to have a confidential discussion about how it could help you too, just reach out.

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