I’d say I’ve been through somewhat of a ‘re-birth’, not in a religious sense and it’s certainly not a word that I use lightly, but I think it captures how I feel about the experience I’ve been through with Rapid Transformational Therapy
You see what you see on the outside of a person, is often not what lies beneath the exterior they show to others.
For as long as I can remember I appeared confident on the outside, but on the inside, I’ve experienced strong feelings of:
- Self Doubt
- Self Loathing
- Fear based procrastination
- People pleasing behaviour
- Overthinking and over-analysing
- Never feeling I was doing enough
- Never feeling I was good enough
And it didn’t seem to matter what other people said, I couldn’t shift that feeling inside of me.
I studied and practiced many tools and modalities recommended, like:
- Mantras and affirmations
But it didn’t seem to matter how many times I wrote it down, or said it out aloud
“I am enough”
That feeling of not being enough persisted like an unwanted house guest that never leaves, no matter how much you try to push them out.
When things were going ‘good’ in my life, I felt like I was doing ‘good’
When things weren’t going ‘good’ in my life, I made it mean something was wrong with me.
I was failing in some way, I wasn’t good enough, I needed to do more, I had to strive even harder and I had to excel at everything.
You can imagine how exhausting that is.
I suffered from an eating disorder for 8 years that began around the age of 17 and I recall feeling suicidal thoughts when my Year 12 Exam Results were released.
I’ve spent more times in my life than I wish to recall feeling anxious, consumed by inner turmoil, torment and punishing thoughts, and experiencing low mood to mild depression, whilst still functioning to a high level without people really knowing what was going on inside my mind.
I guess I’ve lived with high functioning anxiety for most of my life without realising what it was.
And you might know the type of person I was. She’s the one who looks like she has it all together on the outside, but she’s crumbling on the inside. Maybe you envy her and wonder how the hell she does it all?
But in my experience, it was like being inside of a tumble dryer that wouldn’t switch off!
- Over Achiever
- Straight-A Student
- Straight-A Dance Student
- Well liked at school
- Teachers Pet
- Had to excel at whatever I tried
- People Pleaser
- Being constantly on-the-go and busy
- Unable to stop and relax, not even when I appeared to be relaxing
- Ruminating thought loops to the point of making myself sick
- Worrying to the point of migraine headache and / or vomiting
- Physical and mental burn-out
- Borderline nervous break-down
As I read through this list it feels very confronting and extremely sad to think I wasted so many years, so many moments and so much energy being this way.
Why on earth would I do that to myself?
Over and over and over again.
The tumble dryer that wouldn’t switch off.
That’s a good analogy I’d say.
And why did I have such great advice for others and I couldn’t apply this to myself?
I couldn’t admit this to anyone because that meant I was failing in some way and it was just proof yet again that I wasn’t good enough.
What was wrong with me?
Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all bad.
In fact there have been so many highlights! And that’s part of the problem you see.
There are so many highlights I list and so many things to celebrate.
But for some agonising reason, which I understand now, they never seemed to be enough.
I couldn’t celebrate myself for what I had accomplished
I couldn’t recognise myself for what I had achieved
All that played in my head was ‘Yeah that was good, but you could have done better in these areas. So next time you need to….’
It would take a near mental breakdown in Sept 2019 for me to reach my turning point.
This was the time I discovered RTT ® and the time I began to the transformational inner work.
The peeling back of the layers so much that every part of you weeps with joyous relief because finally, you are set free from the burden of your own mind.
This is what saved me and even better, it has now led me into my next Chapter and indeed what I was being called to do.
In December 2020 I signed up to study RTT ® and began a 10 month journey of learning, practicing, peeling away layers, growing and coming out the other end feeling like I’ve been ‘reborn’, shiny and new.
And now, I’m ready to help others with this incredible therapy, whilst being able to draw from my own experience and lessons.
Now that I know this is where I am and this is what I’m here to do next, all of the pains from the past were just part of what I needed to go through to be able to take this next step.
How can I heal others if I’m not healed myself.
How can I offer this therapy to others, if I haven’t truly experienced it myself.
And of course, I’ve always been someone to try and test things before I would ever be able to recommend it to anyone else.
If I don’t believe in something, I can’t in good conscience ever recommend it to anyone else and this is part of my core values.
Clearing out my limiting beliefs has been one of the most liberating experiences of my life
I feel lighter.
I feel stronger.
I am far more resilient.
I am way less triggered.
I am way more joyous.
I have stronger boundaries
I can speak up for myself
I am assertive, yet I am kind
I know who I am
I celebrate me and all that I accomplish
I don’t measure myself the way I used to
I know that I’m good enough already, exactly as I am.
And my future looks so bright.
If you want to know more about RTT ® book a Consultation Call with me here.